Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
