3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
