I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
