If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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