Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize