Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize