You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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