turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
