My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
