Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
