Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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