I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize