We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize