I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
