so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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