i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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