You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
