I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
