Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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