He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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