yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
