Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
