Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
