just tell him i said nine months
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
