Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize