I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
