I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
