my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize