my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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