Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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