you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
