I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
