Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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