I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize