so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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