Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
