alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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