god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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