you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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