Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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