the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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