wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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