you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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