Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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