His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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