Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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