My Higher Power is John Stamos
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
