Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
