There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Boobs speak an international language.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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