Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
