remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
