I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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