You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
