I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
3 2 1 whiskey
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize