So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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