So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
