I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
