I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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