I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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