ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
