i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
