Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
