Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
