I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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