Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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