Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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