Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
