Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
